Okay with imperfect

One of the things I have really struggled with lately is the imperfection that follows me around where ever I seem to go. Whether in ministry, the workplace, with my family or even within the confines of my own mind, the common thread in my struggles always stems from the fact that I am imperfect in what I do. My preaching was the source of many accolades in my church, but I could tell those sermons didn't match up to the standards of research and development that I was trained for. As a cabinet maker, my cabinets and other woodworking commissions were nice and functional, but each piece always seemed to have some kind of issue - whether it be delivery timing, engineering/design or even finish work. There were few (if any) items that left my shop that didn't leave me wanting to pull my hair out. I know I won't win any "Father of the Year" awards because there are ways I see and wish I could be a better husband and father.

When these loud reminders of my humanity beckon at my door and remind me that I can't even measure up to my own standards of how a man should be, it is precisely in those moments I am reminded by Scripture to preach the gospel to myself.

Colossians 3:15-17 (ESV)

15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Specifically, I am reminded of verse 16 - "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly..." In the midst of internal pressures, we forget that Jesus said in John 10:10, "I have come that they (his sheep - believers) may have life abundantly..." That idea of having life in abundance speaks of believer's lives being full and meaningful because of our tie and connection to Christ. The common saying, that we are own worst critics, is true, but also reveals one of the most damning realities that believers will struggle with: our desire to "good enough" will sometimes scream louder than the gospel itself, even while we are doing our best to abide in Him and lead others to Him as well.

I've also found myself struggling for the first time in my Christian walk with anger towards the Lord. In the last five years, my family has been forced to look on me while I have had health crisis after health crisis, my employment security be pulled out from underneath me, my mom, father-in-law and dog all die within about 8 weeks of each other - then to get diagnosed with brain cancer only 8 weeks later. My anger towards the Lord was definitely coming from a place I can only describe as being from the perspective of a "victim." To borrow the imagery from Jim Carey in Bruce Almighty, I felt like I was the ant and God was the kid on the playground with a magnifying glass. As I took time to focus on my health over the summer, I also took time to invest in my relationship with the Lord and to try and seek Him in the midst of the carnage I had wrought on my soul through misguided and misplaced anger. I am pleased to report that the Lord's goodness and mercy to me have been astonishingly more than I could have asked for and I have found a lot of peace of the last few weeks.

The reality is that God does love us and wants to heal us from our ultimate malady: sin. Sometimes we walk through the deepest, darkest places to help us appreciate the light when we have it. There are times He allows us to walk through seasons of doubt and dread so that we can remember those times later and draw on the memory of them for strength. Perhaps there are times we go through trials so that God can remind us of who we are and who He is - and how those two realities are vastly different and mutually exclusive. My encouragement or admonishment to you - if you have been stuck in a rut or chasing this unattainable image of perfection you've constructed for yourself like I have, is to embrace these as reminders to go bak to Jesus' own words for comfort and guidance. Remember that you are loved and valued by the Almighty, and that His love can transform us into who He wants us to be, which will always be better than the images we try to create for ourselves.

Blessings